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One guy begins his introductory essay, "When I was a child, I witnessed a clown jump to his death from a seven-story building.

It was the only time a clown has made me laugh." So I write him back on behalf of Michelle: "You're funny, but too dark for a sweet girl like me." Both of which are true. A few days later, he changed his profile to an essay about his love of Care Bears and snuggling.

The reason in this case is my two-year-old son's nanny, Michelle. Before my wife and I hired her, I thought that hot nannies existed only in vintage Penthouse Forum letters and Aaron Spelling dramas. Originally, I planned to send a personal ding letter to each of the unsuitable guys. By day four, we've gotten close to fifty approaches. I have a growing list of instant deal breakers:• If the guy uses the word lady or ladies in his opening e-mail. My fantasies are a bit more risque than that, so maybe I should hold off until you know me better." I write, "Send them to me. He writes back, "Let's start with the tamest version of my most common fantasy -- taking you to a strip club on amateur night (although there is nothing amateur about your photos! We click on a thirty-four-year-old who describes his job as international investigator for a corporation -- whatever that means. "If we have kids, they'll have huge chins," she says. Maybe Michelle is starting to see me as a fellow woman. The chin issue notwithstanding, a couple of days later Michelle goes on a date with the international investigator. Maybe she'll find some chemistry with Ted from Long Island, the one with eight siblings. And so is "Loveable Hal." I know she'll find it with someone. Go to work and come home, and play video games." The next day, Michelle and I write him a note: "I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you take care of your mom. I don't think we're right for each other (I don't believe in long-distance relationships), but I think you'll be a catch for some lucky girl."Well, it's something.

But sometimes there are good -- or at least excusable -- reasons to pose as a female. If a beautiful woman gave me advice -- solid, well-intentioned advice -- I'd pay attention. I respond, "I think food and sex make a nice combo LOL. TV guy says, "I like your fantasies involving food and sex.... But beautiful women don't confess it to men so much. " "It was just okay." That's Michelle's equivalent of "disastrous." A date with Muqtada al-Sadr would be "just okay." "What happened? "He's nice, but there's no chemistry, I think." I'm crushed. I can help her write the notes, I can pick the guys, but I can't control that damn chemistry.

One guy frets that his eyes look weird in his photos because he tried to blacken out the red eye from the camera. This guy can't even find a beautiful woman in a Starbucks the size of your average living room. I e-mailed him that "I had a bad experience with musicians." He shot back that he's "NOT" that guy.

He just wants Michelle to know they aren't that weird in real life. He's been sending us long e-mails about his family, his career, and the magnificence of xylophones.

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Q.—about 10 points—than the lesser endowed members of the study.A martial-arts enthusiast admits flat out that he's not worthy of Michelle but wants to let her know that "you are gorgeous." A forty-one-year-old classical musician writes, "Not being striking in the looks department, I am someone who needs a chance to show his intellect and soul. He apologizes for the length, but "they just flow out of me." I don't mind. "I must confess that I am currently involved with someone but quite frankly am looking for a girl on the side...."As you noticed I have no photo to share but I periodically represent my company on national TV.



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